Well, I never realised how stress can really put a person into depression until what happened to me recently.

It was a build-up from all the work previously till now. I thought I could handle it as I always could. Stress build up unknowingly in my subconscious. I'm not a perfectionist at work however, I don't like sloppy work if the task is assigned to me. In terms of what I think I could make it better, I would try it unless time couldn't permit. All tasks assigned to me, I would want them to be done on time. Therefore, whenever datelines are involved, I would be slightly more stressed up because I want my work to be done in that timeframe. This could be a sign that I can't be a project manager.. haha. Timeframe limits my freedom. Have side-tracked a little. Anyway, during this period, I already felt that I don't feel good but I don't know why. Can't tell it myself.

Then more things seemed to come into the picture. Many other little little things seemed to add additional stress to the build-up. Recently I didn't feel too happy about my life. Partly because of work. Partly because of family. I don't feel the freedom that I want. I have been feeling restricted with the protection/bonding that my parents wants to have. I felt that I'm already so "big" (I mean "old", soon I will become mother or grandmother) and yet they still treat me like a little girl. That is okay, but they always think that I couldn't do certain things properly. This clashed with the achievement value in me. They have their freedom to think what they want, but they inflicted me with their actions. This is where my freedom value is clashed. Any enjoyment doesn't seem too enjoyable.. my enjoyment value is clashed too.

I have put in the concept of values here. To elaborate for those who doesn't know, the values of a person determines whether this person feels satisfied on certain course of actions. There are some values in which a person view it in importance. For example, for me, the top 5 values, in no order, are
- enjoyment
- freedom
- achievement
- love
- responsibility
Your top values will determine your course of behaviour. It takes some time and analysis to realise this and it changes time to time. If you know your own values, sometimes you can prevent conflicts and unhappy situations because you know the way you are and you know that the other person doesn't know. You forgive.

Because at this time, little things that you don't like starts to amplify and it becomes something big in your brain. Everything together forms the word "STRESS".

You can see, that my top values are clashed. I see no solution for it and due to stress, I see everything ending in negative results.

It might have caused some hormonal change. I start to feel depress. I start to think of the times that I was happy and why I am not happy now. I think back about my grandmother who was always there with me. Everything I do, I know that I have to take care of her that's why I didn't bother too much about other things. Now that she's not around, I thought I could enjoy my life the way I want it but I couldn't. Perhaps its better with her around and then I wouldn't think too much. I start to think of why she's not here anymore. Everything happened in a flash. To tell the truth, I didn't really cry out loud when she passed away, only tears. Yesterday night is the only night I truly cried for her. I thought I accepted the fact. But then, when everything happened like this, I realised that I miss her. Flashbacks are sometime .. abit depressing.

And then, I fell into a black hole. I see no way out (yet). It makes me depress seeing the negative side of reality. Previously, I've always tried to be optimistic about things, it was so much happier. This truly made a difference. Now I understand why people can go into depression and ended up in bad mental situations. That's why post-impressionist artist Vincent Van Gogh seek expression through painting. Expressing what we think we couldn't express through people. Art is where people feel what they can express without any restriction, without any control and without any limits. The amount emotions are always at the maximum level at this time. If I say, besides the painting skill that shows in a painting, it's the emotions that the artist is trying to express that shows the depth of the painting. The skills are just at the superficial level. If you realised, depression seemed to create many great people in artistic areas. We all know that our subconscious power is about 3000 times bigger than our conscious mind. That is where depression have helped to amplify our subconscious capability.

(For those who paint, for those who doesn't know Vincent Van Gogh, his life story link.)

Today this morning, I woke up at 2am in pain. Took some painkillers and went to sleep. I had dreamt of so many things, all cluttered together. I woke up at 6am again writing this post. I started to see light when my pain went away. The black hole seemed to be diffusing slowly, slowly, slowly and gone. There I realised, I was undergoing a small process of depression cycle. It made me understand the life of the "depressionists". I feel myself going to another level in understanding humans. Human behavioural psychology has always been my interest, but I do not like to pursue formal studies. I always think that going through it and study them yourself by looking and experiencing with people has a higher level. So I treat it as a one kind of experience and analysis in addition to my "notes" in my brain.

I hear bird churping outside, buses passing by and morning light started to shed through the clouds. Great morning.

Well, without saying, after 1 full day, with enough food therapy.. I'm back fine again.

All the censored words of the previous post has been privatised now. kekekekke.. this is to create less unhappiness in the world

Do you know what's blowing balloons? Blowing up things over a small issue.. well, simply just trying to grab attention.

It's making too much noise sometimes, though they don't mean anything bad. It's like playing all the noisy drums, disturbing instruments and nobody is interested in listening. It's like trying to grab attention of somebody...

Oh well, don't know why sometimes in a workplace, there's so much boot licking and wayang shows. I guess it's a common scenario everywhere.

Why don't people realise that they should build up their quality of capability instead??? Nowadays, I am already lazy to complain.. cos these kind of wayang happens everyday. Already NUMB!

Of all the rules in the world... everybody's become so numb. Nobody is taking action on nothing.. Yet, we can't live without rules. Every step we take is another mistake..

For everybody in the world, great music and lyrics from Linkin Park. In my context here, I refer "you" in the lyrics to "the world". For the true rebellious.

Numb - Linkin Park

I'm tired of being what you want me to be
feeling so faithless
lost under the surface
I don't know what you're expecting of me
put under the pressure
of walking in your shoes
[caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow]
every step that I take is another mistake to you
[caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow]

I've
become so numb
I can't feel you there
become so tired
so much more aware
I'm becoming this
all I want to do
is be more like me
and be less like you.

can't you see that your smothering me
holding too tightly
afraid to lose control
cause everything that you thought I would be
has fallen apart right in front of you.

[caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow]
every step that I take is another mistake to you
[caught in the undertow,just caught in the undertow]
and every second I waste is more than I can take.

I've
become so numb
I can't feel you there
become so tired
so much more aware
I'm becoming this
all I want to do
is be more like me
and be less like you.

And I know
I may end up failing too

But I know
you were just like me
with someone disappointed in you.

I've
become so numb
I can't feel you there
become so tired
so much more aware
I'm becoming this
all I want to do
is be more like me
and be less like you.

I've
become so numb
I can't feel you there
[tired of being what you want me to be]
(repeat x 2)

Recently, you have seen me writing less and less. Seriously sometimes, I have to think and filter out some content before it gets through my mind to write it here. I've been marked into the blacklist for blogging about work before.. so you see, freedom's definitely an issue.

Some reasons for no real freedom:

1. Network problems - your network of people pass to their network and tada! Unwanted news gets into the ears of unwanted people. You seriously must know how to prevent that if you don't want to! Of course, it's not an issue if you don't care.

2. Public disclosure - Does it matter if your face gets up in that particular blog you are writing? No issues if you want to get famous online. However, sometimes I just want to keep myself updated with my friends.. If I want to write more controversial stuff, I guess it's still better to remain anonymous. Well, you can't have the best of both worlds.

3. Privacy - It doesn't matter if you just write about yourself. It's a personal preference. I feel it's okay as long others are not inflicted in the picture.. Therefore, before including other people in the blogs, we have to think twice.. again, so much to think. However, gossips are sometimes still the hot topic.. Ha Ha.

4. Office Policemen - Some companies have "police" catching bloggers rumouring about their companies and office. So we are like civilians, learning not to write wrongly... else we become criminals..

As per above.... it's so troublesome to blog! ^%#&@^%@%$!#$@%

Here is a song for all teachers out there. Just came across this interesting song by Pink Floyd. It has very short repeated lyrics. Listen to the actual song if you can.

Another Brick in the Wall - Pink Floyd

We don't need no education
We don't need no thought control
No dark sarcasm in the classroom
Teacher leave them kids alone
Hey! Teacher! Leave them kids alone!
All in all it's just another brick in the wall.
All in all you're just another brick in the wall.